(Photo: Christian Kadluba/CC BY-SA 2.0)

A version of this story originally appeared on Muckrock.com.

Last week, we wrote about the DEA’s files on Alexander “Sasha” Shulgin, the so-called “grandfather of ecstasy.” Included in the report is the agency’s guide to rave culture circa 2001, cobbled together from a one-day seminar on the subject taught by the “extremely knowledgeable” Sgt. ██████ …

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…who immediately solidifies his credentials as a rave expert by explaining the difference between House and Garage.

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Street cred firmly established, Sgt. ██████ then goes into a bit of rave history…

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…before revealing the secret, sinister purpose behind raves - selling bottled water at a sizeable markup.

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Now that you know what a rave is, how do you find one? Well, you can use the internet….

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Or you can just hang out around warehouses and look for the tell-tale sign of - you guessed it - water bottles.

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Apparently the DEA counts Aquafina as drug paraphernalia. Who knew?

So just who are these ravers, anyway?

Well, according to the report, they are mask-clad topical cream enthusiasts …

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…orally-fixated bracelet-decked head rub fiends …

…teenage mutant ninja aficionados …

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…and, most close to home, sensible thirty-somethings who should probably cut down on their caffeine intake.

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Now, to give the DEA some credit, they do at least manage to get the famous rave mantra (or as they call it, “motto”) correct…

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…although that’s almost immediately undercut by reporting that Bay Area ravers are flocking to “Hot Topics” for their UFO pants needs.

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From that point, the guide just sort of tapers off with a series of increasingly dubious factoids about festival drug use …

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…ending with the stunning reveal of the true culprit behind this plot to corrupt our youth: amplified light.

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Read the full report here.