America’s Crappy Plumbers, Bloomin’ Awful Florists, and Dirty Cleaning Companies

(Photo: Bruce Ryan (Sherwood Florist); Aaron Harris (The Perennial Gardener): Kelly (Eufloria); Steven Lemaster (Bokay))

See our ultimate crowdsourced map of punny businesses in America.

A person’s home is his or her castle—and as anyone who has ever owned one knows, even metaphorical castles need tons of very real upkeep. Luckily, there are whole armies of dedicated plumbers, housekeepers and florists out there ready to provide the best sort of all-American service. The kind that comes with a smile and a linguistic nudge in the ribs. 

Each of these hospitable pun-loving subgenres has its own set of signature moves. Florists are pretty much all show-offs (“Flowerkraut”? Really?). Those who specialize in sewage, dirt, and other facts of life tend to take one of two pun paths—they either revel in their chosen materials (see: Ash Wipe Chimney Sweeps; The Butt Hut Comfort Stations), or elevate them (A Royal Flush; Sweeping Beauty). And several servicemen-heavy companies have names straight out of bad pornography (College Hunks Hauling Junk, anyone?)

(Photo: Michael Keys)

Here’s what you should know about this new breed of domestic pest:

—A jaunt through the home service industry contains a surprising amount of sex (Talk Dirty To Me; Hung-Rite Garage Door) and violence (Natural Born Cleaners; Shutter Up Quick). Safer to do your own dirty work—say at U.N. Piece Cleaners, a New York, NY laundromat.

—Of the 4 Sherwood Florists, only 1 is actually located in a town called Sherwood (it’s in Wisconsin).

—Florists are real cinephiles—our list has nods to Forrest Gump, Laurel and Hardy, The Lone Ranger, and It’s a Wonderful Life. 

—By the same token, portable toilet purveyors from the Windy City are Hibernophiles—Chicago boasts both Pot O’Gold and the much less subtle LepreCAN.

Editor’s picks:

Florists

Floral and Hardy (Oklahoma City, OK)
Fancy Plants (Savannah, GA)
The Lone Arranger (Ingleside, TX)
The Petal Pusher (Decatur, AL)

Cleaning, home services & laundromats

Ash Wipe Chimney Sweeps (Vernon Hills IL & St. Louis, MO)
Mr. Smarty Paints (Austin, TX)
Tree Musketeers (San Antonio, TX)
Sweet Pea Sewer & Septic (Missoula, MT)

Portable bathrooms

Callahead (Broad Channel, NY)
LepreCAN (Chicago, IL)
The Throne Depot (Woburn, MA)

And here is the list of other categories: 

Coffee shops

Bar/Pubs 

Other (including retail stores, vape shops and lots of yarn stores)

Doctors and Dentists

Food Trucks

Pet Care

Restaurants

Hair/Nail Salons

(Photo: Olivia)

And here is the full list.

Florists:

Portable toilets:

Cleaning services: