Woodstock Mystery Hole

Owned and operated by the Universal Church O’ Fun and championed by its jovial Pastor Barron, leader of the Tunnel People, the Woodstock Mystery Hole stands as a monument to the irrefutable mores adhered to by the Church’s followers, including (but not limited to),“Have Fun, Make Fun, Be Fun,” “The more you dig, the more tunnel you find,” and “Eat, F**k, Tunnel.”

No one is entirely certain of how the Mystery Hole came to be, though the majority of experts and theorists agree that it was not formed by natural forces. Adding to the Hole’s mystery is its uncertain depths, though the general consensus is that it’s very deep.

The “Black Obsidian Mirror of Higher Truth” serves as a portal to show visitors their darker sides as they descend into the Mystery Hole. Once inside, visitors are encouraged to absorb the experience with all their senses. Deeply inhale the Enchanting Vapors of Encouragement. Read Portland’s cryptic history from the ancient glyphs and runes adorning tunnels leading to the famous Giant Double Arch that is perfectly aligned (at a slight angle) with the North Star. Strain against the ages while tugging at The Door That’s Never Been Opened.

The fun continues above ground, including a Mystery Tower, complete with a boat on top to channel energy, a Mystery Hedge Walk that concludes with testing one’s mettle on the Mystery Pole (optional), or, conditions permitting, a rousing game of Zombie Croquet.

Before venturing into the Mystery Hole, all pilgrims must complete a waiver reading, “I, the undersigned, do hereby certify that I must be out of my mind to climb down into a damp, dark hole when I’m perfectly safe where I am.”

New disciples of the Universal Church O’ Fun and the Mystery Hole are always welcome, though requested to apply for a visit permit via email before arriving in person.

Update July 2017: The hole is closed and guided tours are no long available.